Sk’z World Of Dreams

I am confused! Confused! Confused!!

Its like a quiet uncertainty driving me nuts. The same thing, same experience over again..except more complex this time. Yaar! I was done with this stage!

Is this the calm before another storm? Or has the storm passed for good, and this is the saviour come to fix the wreckage the storm left behind? Hmmm..doesn’t exactly fit my picture of ‘the saviour’?

I am confused! Confused! Confused!!

Chalo. Better than being depressed! Hurting! Depressed! Moving up!

But I wanted a luknawi dude. …again. Err…just a better person this time.

But this ain’t a luknawi.

Hmm…

So I was on my way to work yesterday,a dn as my CD player is not working and I need to get it fixed…and it’s just NOT in my top priorities list right now…and so I cannot listen to my motivational CDs, I switched on the radio.

And the first thing I hear is the song “Chequitita” by Abba.

And the world outside disappeared (err, even though I was driving ), and I was listening to the song…entranced…spellbound. And I finally knew what she was talking about in a similar post written on this song. 

It’s amazing what you ‘don’t hear’, what you miss, until ‘it’ hits you personally.

Hmmm….

So last month my cousin and I planned to go and see ”Made of Honor” when it comes out. And it was released in the movie theatres last week. I was really really looking forward to that day out with her, alongwith one more friend. Just us 3 hanging out, watching a movie (Patrick Dempsey in the movie would be a plus..but of course! ) having fun. But she had to cancel coz her exams are coming up. :And I didn’t want to go take F** to this movie, and I definately don’t want to go alone. My sisters don’t really want to go see this one. meaning…I am not going. And that’s when I realized that i don’t have any friends here. :/

I mean I have awesome cousins and wonderful business colleagues, who are more than friends. But you know…the kind of friend you call on a whim and go shopping with or to the movies with, or just hang out with…I don’t have one of those here in CA. Hmm…

I guess with such a big family, Mashallah, and between work and life, I never really missed not having friends here. But recently I have been wanting some time to myself…just to do soemthing on a whim..just hang out. But all my friends are abroad. Mostly back home…which for me would be Dubai.

Hmmm….bummer. :/

1. Last movie you saw in a theatre?

Enchanted. Woulda been “Made of Honor” if I had a friend to go with. Don’t wanna take F** to this one and don’t wanna go alone. Cousin bailed out on me…exams. Ah well!!

 2. What book are you reading?

Beyond Positive Thinking.

3. Favorite board game?

Memory game when I’m playing with my F** and Monopoly when I’m playing with…ummm…my F**.

4. Favorite magazine?

Not really a magazine person. The only time I read one is when I’m at the doctor’s or dentist’s office.

5. Favorite smells?

My baby girl’s. And Burberry, Juicy Couture, Raat ki Rani (*sigh*), anything jasmine and the smell of earth right after rain.

6. Favorite sounds?

Wind chimes, F** talking, talking and talking some more. Esp. when she says Ammi….oh and when i’m in the ‘once in a blue moon’ mood…sitar.

7. Worst feeling in the world?

Loving the guy you were married to, feeling really lucky to have him forever, feeling blessed that your child has parents who adore one another and ‘we’re gonna be one happy happy family’. But finding out that love was just one sided. Knowing that you had ‘the man of your dreams’…HAD…and now someone else has him forever. He is someone else’s husband…someone else’s dad.

Plus the scare of ‘will I be able to provide my child with everything she deserves.’

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

“Uff! Off to work again! Ulloo ka patha!! Wouldn’t have had to do this if he had the guts to stick with his family!!!” And when I’m done calling him UP, I feel better.

9. Favorite fast food place?

I don’t believe in eating food fast. Umm…so favorite food place..Chinese….esp. any shrimp/prawns dish.

10. Future child’s name?

Umm…what future child? Hmm…girl I guess would be Aliyya and boy..hmmm…I wanted to do Asad but sis took that one, and she’s done Haider too…actually I think the whole Shia world has outdone these 2 names. So…I guess I have time to think about this..esp. as I don’t even know my future husband’s name as yet!

11. Finish this statement. “If I had lot of money I’d….?

Send F** to the best College and Univ. and travel the world with her. And I am working on making those 2 dreams come true…Inshallah.

12. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

Nah, not anymore. Used to…but then he left moi.  *muahahahahaha* Now I just sleep with my Angel.

13. Storms - cool or scary?

If I am watching it from the safety of my home - COOLL!!!

If I am in the middle of one -COOLER!!!! Provided of course my F** is not with me. If she is then I’d just be DEAD SCARED!!

14. Favorite drink?

Jasmine Green Tea, my chai and XS Tropical Blast Energy drink.

15. Finish this statement, “If I had the time I would….”?

Spend more time with my F**, travel with her and my parents….ooh! ooh! And DEFINATELY read more of my books!

16. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?

Yep! If they’re there…if they’re not, I ain’t getting up to get more broccoli WITH stems.

17. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?

Goldenish brownish streaks and highlights blended into my jet black hair. But e’time I go to get it done, the hairdresser just goes “That’s your NATURAL hair color?! It’s gorgeous!!” *Be-lush* Fingers crossed/touch wood. Needless to say I change my mind about highlighting then. :D.

18. Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in?

Travelled a lot more but stayed in Karachi (for about 1 year after I was born and then 6 months after getting married  ), Dubai & Sharjah (19 years) and now in a city in CA.

19. Favorite sports to watch?

Cricket and my F** playing basketball and every other outdoor game she can play. :) 

20. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?

Hmm…No one and Zaina both sent me this…so….No one, a sweet dreamer and believer, ‘KEWL!!” ; Zaina, the strongest lady I know who knows how to get through the worst situation in her life, smiling all the way, giving strength to others..my sis. *Hugggs both of ‘em!!*

21. What’s under your bed?

F** and my slippers…you know…the one we’re supposed to wear with our pajamas, walking around the house..but since we’re both ‘bear foot’ type ladies, we forget to wear ‘em and they are ‘organized’ under the bed. 

22. Would you like to be born as yourself again?

Yep!! But this time I’d like to have my ‘dream come true’ hubby with me and my child forever. Oh and a ‘WOAH! GORGEOUS! Can’t take my eyes off her’ look won’t hurt.

23. Morning person, or night owl?

Night owl.

24. Over easy, or sunny side up?

If it’s a man, sunny side up…as in always looks at the bright side of things …if it’s an egg, omelette. If it’s an egg-head of a man..no thank you. I’ll pass. 

25. Favorite place to relax?

By the window, with a book in one hand, my tea in another, watching the rain drops fall against tje window. OR on a balcony/porch by the sea-side, doing the same thing. A Raat ki rani bush/tree outside would just add to the charm and make it perfect.

26. Favorite pie?

Pineapple pie…though I prefer samose.

I tag…hmmm, let’s see who hasn’t done it as yet… Xil (yeah I know..he ain’t doin’ it :/), Hem, Jaded, Psyched, Zios and zag. lol! None of the guys are gonna do this.

It just keeps getting weirder and weirder. And while you’ve mad eup your mind to keep moving on, stuff like that brings you back to the “S***!! Has she got it good!! Was it a mistake?! I lost all that?!! And am faced with this??!!!”

Yesterday I was almost tempted to go ask my mom “O.k…so remind me again why in the end she is not lucky and I got lucky getting out of that one?” But at the thought of the GLARE my mom would give me.. errr… never mind.

So…still moving on, will not…REFUSE to!!… get all anxious with “S***!! Did I lose a good thing?”…but come July, let’s see what’s in store for F** and my future.

Coz…ummm…*SK looks up to God*…”Aww! C’mon, please!! There has to be SOMETHING better? Umm..than…ummm… this?” :/

“Change is the only thing constant in your life.”

(I think it was Napolean Hill who said this..but I’m not sure. )

So basically if we refuse to let go of our past and move on with the future…with the change…we are not only not where we were before, but we are moving backward. Coz time waits for no man…or woman …right? 

Last 2 weeks something hit me bad yet again. Something which made me think “It was better when I was ignorant. Better when I had no idea what FB is (and here I’d like to take the opportunity to have a discussion with him, who got me onto FB! No. Just kidding. I do appreciate it of course. But its just at times like these..where your image of what ‘might be’ is destroyed by ‘what is’/'what changed’, that I just wish he was here..so I could wring his neck. :D ). You know that innocent baby phase where you still hold on to school memeories and think “if only I had that friend with me now, I wouldn’t feel as bad..my best friend from school. The were always there for me, always made me feel better.” What you forget though is that while  your life was moving on, theirs also moved on. They changed. Or maybe you’ve just changed. Still friendships are forever, right? Hmm…apparently not.

And suddenly things start happening where you’re faced with reality…its not the same as before. And you’re back down in the pits..the blackhole..coz that one hand you were hoping to ’hold on to’ just isn’t there. So guess what…friendships are not constant.

So after 2 weeks of feeling sick, like I can’t hold onto any relationship..be it an innocent friendship or a more meaningful relationship like say…a marriage? :/ Yeah yeah..I know that was coz of the jerk, the ex, but anyway! When a gal wants to blame herself for anything and everything in this world that s going wrong, she WILL!! …..after 2 weeks of this and thinking, ‘doesn’t anyone think I’m worthy enough to even be friend with me!’ I had had enough. Something hit, and things changed..yet again.

I finally…FINALLY… decided enough was enough! I am not going to base my emotional state..the ups and the downs..on someone who does not need me anyway. Time to be happy just coz. To just be happy with who and what I am, to be proud of it, and to give the one person who DOES need me, a happy mother who gives her child a happy life!

I am done with so called ‘friends’ who don’t really need me. If they’re going to act the way they are acting, just coz the phrase ‘friendships endure distances and time’ just doesn’t mean anything to them, I don’t need them in my life. I seriously just got up 2 days ago and thought “I don’t need this shit in my life right now! What I got was enough. I don’t need this as well! F** doesn’t need this frankly! I am NOT going to let this affect me and my child!” I am going to STOP looking at the people I don’t have in my life, and start concentrating on and appreciating the ones I DO have. Time to stop being a friend, a wife (err..ex wife) and start being a daughter, a sister and a mother. Time to also start being me.

I’m still here for those friends of course if  and when they need me, but until then I am NOT…I REFUSE TO!..base my life, my emotions, my happiness on them and on how they act.

I am just going to be happy for my family. No more pulling myself down. I am going to be happy for that one person whose life, happiness and future depend on me. That one person who DOES need me! My F**.

And Inshallah I will follow through with this until next week and the week after, as well. Inshallah.

Time to get back up, brush myself off, and start all over again!

All this talk of school reunions and stuff going around me here, as well as Psyched’s latest reunion with an old school friend, got me into the “Yaar! I also want to meet up with my school friends!”

Just got me thinking. Initially whe I was single..in the real sense …I wasn’t working and not that financially independent. Now that I am FINALLY independent..in more ways than I’d like to acknowledge, I have a daughter (Mashallah) to take care of. Meaning before i can even think of just taking a flight to Psyched or M or anyone else abroad, I have to consider.. “Hmm..spend all that money on one trip, or save that for F**’* future?” Guess what I end up doing?

Don’t get me wrong. I am blessed and thankful to have F** OF COURSE! DUH! And everytime Psyched mentions her upcoming trips, I am happy for her…coz she deserves all the relief and happiness out there. But, just once in a blue moon, I just …I don’t know…don’t feel like being responsible for someone’s future…sounds bad? Isn’t..trust me.  Just…you know that “I wanna just go away, take some time off for a while…reconnect with my school friends, just go off and meet these new ones I have made, some who have grown closer than a few old ones, know that I have a past as well, I have a ‘my time’. For e.g. there was a moment this last weekend where I was left wishing she was here with me, and we could go to this place together..just having someone with you, where you don’t have to put on a facade and be the adult, while dying inside, makes a lot of difference. But I guess God wanted me to face this thing alone and was making me stronger in His own way.

This is so coming off as selfish. I am truly blessed to have my daughter. She keeps me and everyone around her happy and alive. Just.. I was just telling my sis the other day. I jumped from being a dependent daughter, straight to an independent woman who is not so independent to do anything on a whim, coz now I have someone depending on me. So I’m back to being ‘just here’. First it was about being a daughter, then I jumped to being a mom. When do I get to be just me?

It is about F**’* life now. My life is done with. I had a chance, I had my time. Now onto my daughter’s life. And 98% of the time, that’s how I want it. I WANT to be a great mom to her..give her everythng and more that she deserves in her life…build her future.

It’s just that 2% of the time that I wish I had that back that period I seem to have missed while jumping from being a daughter to a mother. The part where I can just take time off for myself. Be with MY friends. The fact that they’re ALL abroad doesn’t help.

2% of the time I wish I had a chance to just let my hair down and enjoy myself with ‘the girls’…a chance to do these reunions with school friends too. 

Had one of those ‘You’ve GOT to be kiddingme. I don’t think so!’ moments yesterday again. :/

I hate it when people start using your kid to get fresh with you. Yeah..DUH!..as if I can’t tell WHY you’re being extra-friendly with her. Frankly, if I see a stranger or almost stranger, of the opposite sex, becoming OVER friendly with my kid, like they’ve been friends for ages….guess what? MAJOR TURN-OFF!!!!!

And my F** is pretty smart too. Yesterday when this happened to her, she was smiling..she is 6 you know!..but she was a bit ‘huh?’-ed and asked me to “Err, mom. I think we should go. NOW.” And this is not coz she’s shy or fidgity around people. Trust me. She’s not. She LOVES being around people and has always..literally since she was 1…been very comfortable with making new friends. Going up to them or passing them and saying “Hi”.

But she’s not gullible. I mean seriously!!! Even when she was a baby..you know how we divert a kid’s attention by mentioning something else when we don’t want them touching something or ’saying something out loud’? Well. Not with my F**. She’ll listen to you, answer what you were asking very patiently but then she’ll get on with and finish what she was doing before anyway. Pretty adamant child, Mashallah. Finishes what she starts…properly. Pretty strong, Mashallah. Her dad would be soooo disappointed with a ‘girl/woman’ being this strong. I can see him now..rolling his eyes and giving me the ‘woe to you, you spoiler of our child. She’s supposed to be weak and in the kitchen’ look.

So…she is NOT gullible. And she is soooo NOT the type to fall for THAT trick. Anyway, I’ve always believed children know more than they let on or than we believe they understand.

Yaar!!! PATHETIC!! *SK looks up to heaven and says* “This is NOT giving me hope, you know?! Infact, it is PRETTY, DOWNRIGHT depressing.

Psst. I HATE that ‘he’ has put me in a position where I’m even getting all these cases and everytime this happens, I soooooo curse him and then go down the ‘I miss him/want him back/ what the ****!’ route. But let’s not go down that path right now.

I’m hoping there’s a positive side to all this. Say…God wanted me to see all the ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’/joker’ cases before he sends me ‘the one’…wait…rephrasing that..’the WOAH/Lucknawi WOAH one’. …again..though this time I’ll take the ‘WOAH inside out’ one and not just ‘WOAH outside’ one please.

*fingers crossed*

It’s not that we want attention and are crying out to you or being a “sob story/ ooh help me…sympathize with me” “tell me I’m right” “tell me I rock”

It’s about just crying out to yourself..about ranting out on your blog, trying to make sense of things..maybe saying all this out here, so that if someone has any experience out there, they can lend a helping hand and help you get through it.

Coz hey. Friendship isn’t just about having fun together, all hulla gulla. It’s about ‘being there’ for that someone, even if your life is shit at the time. Trust me..this is not all talk. Whenever I’m hit with junk in my life, I don’t just put a ’stay out for now’ sign outside my door. If someone knocks on my door during this ‘yukhy’ time in my life, wanting a shoulder to cry on, someone to get them out of their ‘dark hole’ I’m there for them. And that heals both you and the other person hurting.

And that doesn’t mean that when I write a post on what’s going on my life, I’m looking for sympathy. My household philosophy? Never let on your problems to anyone outside of your immediate family, coz you don’t want to bother people with your problems (yes, my mom would not be very pleased to see I am actually posting my problems on the net). But hey. I am human. I get hurt. AND I’m worried SHIT (sorry, I don’t use that term that often, but really it’s tehe only way to describe all this right now) about her daughter’s future. And though I am not asking for sympathy,  a sentence like “I’ll see ya when you ‘re all happy and not pulling people down and not sad” from a ‘friend’..just kinda doesn’t sit right. But then..that’s guys for you huh? Yep! This ‘friend ‘ who keeps disappearing on moi is a guy..school friend. You’d think as a friend a man would be different. But no. Wait, I guess its not a man or woman thingy. Coz my best friend from school is a guy, and he’s always been there for me and other friends of his. Hmm…it must just be personality then. Funny though. Always takes me about a week to accept a friend disappearing on you. I guess coz I am the sort who is around more when life hits my friends..man or woman. Just coz…

I don’t know. I think true friendships reveal themselves and are strengthened in the valleys, not high up in the mountains.

Just thoughts…